Friday, December 14, 2007

Negativity is Toxic

Lately my work has been unbearable. Days spent crying in the bathroom, power struggling with my micromanaging boss. He seems to win every time and a little part of my freedom or even my job duties are taken away. I spend time whispering with others who are struggling about a revolution that can’t happen soon enough. Its to the point where finding another job is starting to sound like a good idea, even though in my position I should just wait it out and hope for the best. My last job I was in the same boat and I left to come to this job. But I don’t have the same luxuries I did then, now.

Right now my emotions are through the roof and I can’t control them like I used to. I get annoyed so easily and I don’t hide all the anger I feel anymore. Maybe it’s funny at home but it’s dangerous at work. So instead of talking to my boss because I worry about saying something I would definitely regret, I just fester with the hatred.

Today I feel like I have been soaked in this toxic poison called negativity and hatred. I reek with it. The worst part is that I think my comrades in arms are getting sick of me too. They are tired of the complaining, the whispering, and the negativity. I’m tired of it too. It’s so unproductive.

But it seems like every time I try to put on a happy face, turn that frown upside down, or just try to be alone to get away from the situation, my boss pops in with some outrageous request, some conniving power play, or some horrible new thing he is implementing, and it’s like he’s winding me up like a toy. The annoyance starts at the sight of him, the anger starts bubbling up as he speaks, and all I can do is quietly nod and glare so that I don’t start having a tantrum.

The worst part about it is his boss who I should go to talk to about it, loves him, and thinks that we are all just not giving him a chance. So there is no point going to talk to her because it will reflect poorly on you as not being a team player, or being insubordinate, etc.

So here I am sitting at work completely unmotivated, feeling depressed about the situation, with not much I feel like I can do about it. Then I start thinking about how I don’t like me like this, with the poison inside, but I don’t know how to get rid of it.

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Listen to Your Body

The biggest lesson I am learning these days is to listen to my body and not my mind. For the last year I have done everything in my power to not throw up and felt like I had a setback every time it would happen. However now I am getting sick everyday because of morning sickness, and its ok because I am learning to accept that my body has needs that I have to abide by. I can tell when my body doesn’t want to eat vs. when it really does want to. I haven’t been losing weight which is really great. When I am tired I rest, when I am sick, I let myself be sick. It’s all working out so far.

But it goes beyond just pregnancy. Weight loss, weight gain, self esteem, our panic; all happen in result to what we are listening to in our heads, as opposed to listening to our bodies. If we really were in tune with our bodies, we would eat when we were hungry, and stop eating when we got full. There wouldn’t be so many overweight Americans. Sure there are always exceptions, thyroid issues or other medical problems, but I am not referring to the exception. How many times do we eat out of emotional pain? How many times do we not eat because of guilt? How many times do we feel bad about ourselves after eating too much, or too little which then lowers our self esteem? How many times do we panic because we care too much about what others think of us and how we should “be” around them as opposed to doing what feels natural? Instead of thinking “I need to eat this huge plate of food cause that’s what’s expected of me…” you might just decide, “I am not hungry right now. Maybe I will just snack on an appetizer and eat something later when my body needs it.” Your body won’t let you starve yourself.

Granted this line of thinking really is closely associated with anxiety around food. I don’t really see how listening to your body will help you drive on the freeway, or take the elevator, or leave the house. That is all about changing how you think and doesn’t really apply here.

But for those of us struggling to gain weight or lose it, I think if we could all learn to stop listening to our thoughts as much and listen more to our bodies; the anxiety will naturally fade some and our bodies will only take what they need. I know, easier said than done.

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Catching Up

I apologize for the long delay in posts. I have obviously had a lot on my mind lately and most of my computer time is spent researching what the heck is going on inside of me. Since I have found out that I am pregnant I have had 2 situations where my anxiety kicked in.

One time my family went out to eat after seeing a ballet. I was starving and ate so much I felt huge! Well I wasn’t feeling too great afterward, but it wasn’t nausea. People could see I wasn’t doing too well so the trip home began. The woman sitting next to me who wasn’t immediate family asked me if I was having morning sickness. For some reason this spurred the all too familiar burning sensation in the back of my neck. This happens when I feel embarrassed or ashamed, or I am about to throw up. I told her no, it was something else and then really had to try to distract myself from the pain and the anxiety that came out of no where. I was thinking that maybe it was a miscarriage, and that too had me worried. Luckily I made it home and all is well and I didn’t let my panic accelerate any more.

Last Friday I had a coworker that I have worked with for the past 6 years leave. We had a going away luncheon at a local restaurant and I was feeling nauseas- morning sickness nausea. But I wanted to go to support him, so I went and ordered a soup and salad. I nibbled for awhile and in the end I ate a good portion, and I didn’t throw up. I was nervous that my anxiety would kick in and accelerate my already upset stomach. My worries were that very few people know that I am expecting so even if I got morning sickness, its not like I had an excuse to share. The anxiety did kick in a little, but I was again able to distract myself by taking pictures of the event and getting very involved in the conversation. Any time my mind started to wander to negative thoughts, I just redirected my thoughts to something else. It worked!

I have been off all of my medication since Thanksgiving so I knew the next couple months would be really hard on my emotions.

Lately ANNOYANCE has been the biggest problem I am dealing with. Everything annoys me and I am not as quiet about sharing them like I would have been otherwise. It’s a real bummer cause at work I am always in a bad mood because of what someone else did. I am trying to remember that “Happiness is not something that happens on the outside of you, its something that happens on the inside you.” Or something like that. Basically it means that other people can not determine whether we are happy or not. Only we can decide that.

I will try to post more often about helpful things that come my way. Thank you to everyone for all of your comments and well wishes. I appreciate all of you!

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